Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I will die if light touches me.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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