i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
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