nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
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