Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Is it because I queefed?
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
