Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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