So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
