remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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