He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
