what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
