He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
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She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
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He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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