If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I think my moral compass just broke
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
