at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
