I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
