my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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