masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
