Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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