This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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