maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
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