Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
