you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
