You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize