Just took my morning after pill in the library
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
BRING THE BAGELS
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
