He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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