He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
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