im drinking this country out of the recession.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
