Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
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