So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
