I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
