I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
