Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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