She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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