everyone is single if you try hard enough
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Randomize
