Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize