Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
