Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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