i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
We left the knife in your bed.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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