i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
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