I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Randomize
