She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
