Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
