Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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