totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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