Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Randomize
