beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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