Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize