Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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