not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
They took my balls.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
