Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
