I think I died a long time ago.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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