The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I smell like Dick and happiness
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
