how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
